Loneliness…revisited

it is so hard for me these days to think, to speak, to try
to be myself and not to cry out in despair thinking that
somewhere out there I lost my way and failed to find that
one true friend that i was meant to spare from a life of
search and longing and affairs…
i have someone yet I don’t; i cry out to him and he
ignores my pleas asking that i be exactly what he wants
from me, complaining when i am and even when i am not…
so dark and cold; sheer despair envelops my world and
chills
my soul and i still cry out to the night wondering where i
possibly went wrong.
i turn to friends to bare my soul when i should have that
one true love to turn my face toward and yet i don’t…
so afraid of the rebukes and the hatred building in my
inner fort; anger and restraint and a growing lack of
trust for one who should be all to me and yet is not…
it used to be i thought he was the one; my one true
friend, the best of me; yet, he is not…
he locks his soul away, preferring to keep his own counsel
and remain aloof and safe.
mayhap i fooled myself trying to think he was the one, for
no responding voice echoes my questing heart and my
loneliness augments, sending me reeling back in time to a
time when i locked myself away
only darkness echoes back my request for a kindred heart
in whose light to bask in and the light of day slowly
bleeds away, leaving me lying bleeding, broken, and afraid,
not of being alone but of being lonely forevermore.

~ Maelstrom143

Mneme Uncovered

I am seeming to enjoy this diary. it has been so very long
since I was able to express all my wild and crazy thoughts
quite so openly and unafraid of censure.
of course, i have to close my eyes and ignore everything
i ever knew about proper spelling/writing/etc and just flow,
but it sure beats the heck out of the alternative:
going completely and totally insane.
i have tried being me in front of family and friends but
truly it is too hard for most to really know me and be
able to accept the fact that i can be quite volatile and blunt
but i mean no harm and no foul i just am and it is
so very nice to be able to just let it all hang out and
not have everyone judging me as mean or ugly just because
i like to argue with the tv and pass judgment on
inconsequential fictitious tv/movie characters who will
never know or care that i insulted them or wished them
harm because they are not real. i don’t do it to real
people and that is what really counts, i think.
i do not think i am such a bad person
for being me, but am so sick and tired of being wrongly
interpreted. anyway, i am what i am and i cannot change my
soul just to please those around me, so i will just hide
out and let them see whatever it is makes them
happy…after all, nothing lasts forever…one day i will
be free to be me in places where they will see me if just
for a day or just for a week and then i’ll be gone, off to
greener lands or maybe just newer…never to be seen again.

~ Maelstrom143

Loneliness

it is so hard for me these days to think, to speak, to try 
to be myself and not to cry out in despair thinking that 
somewhere out there I lost my way and failed to find that 
one true friend that i was meant to spare from a life of 
search and longing and affairs...
i have someone yet I don't; i cry out to him and he 
ignores my pleas asking that i be exactly what he wants 
from me, complaining when i am and even when i am not...
so dark and cold; sheer despair envelops my world and 
chills 
my soul and i still cry out to the night wondering where i 
possibly went wrong.
i turn to friends to bare my soul when i should have that 
one true love to turn my face toward and yet i don't...
so afraid of the rebukes and the hatred building in my 
inner fort; anger and restraint and a growing lack of 
trust for one who should be all to me and yet is not...
it used to be i thought he was the one; my one true 
friend, the best of me; yet, he is not...
he locks his soul away, preferring to keep his own counsel 
and remain aloof and safe.
mayhap i fooled myself trying to think he was the one, for 
no responding voice echoes my questing heart and my 
loneliness augments, sending me reeling back in time to a 
time when i locked myself away
only darkness echoes back my request for a kindred heart 
in whose light to bask in and the light of day slowly 
bleeds away, leaving me lying bleeding, broken, and afraid,
not of being alone but of being lonely forevermore.

~ Maelstrom143