it is so hard for me these days to think, to speak, to try
to be myself and not to cry out in despair thinking that
somewhere out there I lost my way and failed to find that
one true friend that i was meant to spare from a life of
search and longing and affairs...
i have someone yet I don't; i cry out to him and he
ignores my pleas asking that i be exactly what he wants
from me, complaining when i am and even when i am not...
so dark and cold; sheer despair envelops my world and
my soul and i still cry out to the night wondering where i
possibly went wrong.
i turn to friends to bare my soul when i should have that
one true love to turn my face toward and yet i don't...
so afraid of the rebukes and the hatred building in my
inner fort; anger and restraint and a growing lack of
trust for one who should be all to me and yet is not...
it used to be i thought he was the one; my one true
friend, the best of me; yet, he is not...
he locks his soul away, preferring to keep his own counsel
and remain aloof and safe.
mayhap i fooled myself trying to think he was the one, for
no responding voice echoes my questing heart and my
loneliness augments, sending me reeling back in time to a
time when i locked myself away
only darkness echoes back my request for a kindred heart
in whose light to bask in and the light of day slowly
bleeds away, leaving me lying bleeding, broken, and afraid,
not of being alone but of being lonely forevermore.